Misadventures Of A Galaxy Not Far Enough Away
by Lawliet Holmes
Summary: These being a collection of short drabbles from an old, Star Wars themed deviant-art account of mine. Rated M for explicit humour, sex references and other such things. Warning; do not read while eating or drinking. Features Pimp! Cad Bane
1. Payoff

Summary: When Captain Rex tries to arrest Cad Bane in a bar, things go very wrong, very quickly.  
Pairings: Rex/Bane,  
Themes: Moderate Sex References (Male/Male), Some Crude Language.  
Rating: 15+ (or extremely sick minded 13 year old)  
Inspired by: Me

Rex sat back in his seat and downed his whole pint of Corellian Beer in one go. The men were having a drink off tomorrow night, and Rex needed to practice, so that things didn't turn out like last time(1).  
Rex was never able to handle his drink at the best of times, so when he saw Cad Bane walking towards the bar, he thought he was hallucinating. But then he heard his voice, very clearly, at the bar.  
"Three shots of da usual, pleez. On my tab."  
Rex dropped the glass and scrabbled for his blaster. Finally finding it, he grabbed it, stood up, and pointed it at the bounty hunter.  
"Cad Bane!"  
The bounty hunter turned around, and the whole bar fell silent.  
"In the name of the Galactic Senate of the Republic, you're under arrest!"  
Bane nodded.  
"And who are you, vigilante?" he asked sarcastically.  
Rex gritted his teeth. "Captain Rex! Clone trooper!"  
Bane laughed harshly. "I thought you Clones didn't have any normal clothes. You on a night off, Shiny?"  
Rex just gripped the gun tighter.  
"Put your guns on the floor and put your hands on your head!" the Clone yelled.  
There was a shot, and Rex's gun flew into the wall, a hole burned through its centre. Bane was stood in exactly the same position as he had been; only now he was holding a gun. Then, in three long strides, he had cleared the distance between them, holstered his blaster, and gripped Rex's neck in one hand, lifting him off the floor.  
"You're dead, Clone. Which isn't a shame at all. They made you to die, didn't they? You'd simply be serving your purpose."  
Rex gasped for breath. "Please… don't kill me… I've got… things I need to tell people."  
Bane smiled cruelly. "Oh really? And what things would dey be?"  
"None… of your business", Rex choked, and Bane turned around.  
"Back to your drinks, you nosey motherfuckers! Can't a guy get a leetle privacy around here?"  
The customers obeyed, and Bane carried Rex to a table.  
"State your case, Shiny. I didn't think Clones had feelings. Now, if dis interests me, I may let you live. So, what things?"  
Rex felt himself burning red, and could have sworn his blonde hair was turning pink. But he needed to live. So he spilt the beans.  
"It's Padawan Tano, sir. I needed to tell her…"  
Bane laughed. "So you finally admit your feelings? You do realise that dis makes you a kiddie fiddler? You sly dog!"  
Rex coloured even more.  
"It does not! She's legal in the Core worlds now!"  
Bane smiled cruelly. "Is she now? I'll bear that in mind. But still, I could have guessed that. What else do you have to offer me?"  
Rex blurted out every single secret he knew.  
"General Kenobi leaves camp at night holding a bottle!"  
Bane smiled. "Interesting, but not very."  
"Commander Cody raped Trooper Fives."  
"Amusing, but nothing I haven't heard before."  
"General Secura and General Fisto had a threesome with a Weequay prostitute on Ryloth."  
Bane raised a nonexistent eyebrow. "Now that is interesting; Weequays aren't known for fucking other species. Well, except for dat man-whore Hondo. But I am still disinclined to forget that you just tried to arrest me."  
Rex was desperate now.  
"What do you want from me? I'll do anything!(2)"  
Bane smiled cynically.  
"Anything?"  
"Yes! I just need to see Ahsoka again!"  
Bane nodded gravely, and leaned in.  
"How good are you at giving head?"

(1) Last time resulting in him waking up butt naked, smeared in buttercream, being licked by several Kowakian Monkey Lizards that Commander Cody had managed to get hold of.  
(2) Which is, as we all know, not a good thing to say to Cad Bane.


	2. Persuasion

Summary: Rex discovers that news travels fast.  
Pairings: Rex/Ahsoka  
Themes: Moderate sexual themes (Male/Male, male/Female), mild Crude Language  
Rating: 13+  
Inspired by: The last piece.

Rex, feeling slightly violated and insecure(1), but nonetheless happy to be alive, walked back to the hotel that he, Cody, General Skywalker and Padawan Tano were staying in. He had decided to make use of his hard-fought (well, sort of) second change at life to tell Ahsoka how he felt. Nothing was going to stop him. He walked down the corridor and knocked on her door. Nobody answered, and Rex, drawing his blaster, opened the door and walked in. The room was empty, and there was no sign that Ahsoka had even been in there. Except for the computer terminal that was running a screensaver of the Hotel Logo.  
Now Rex didn't know what motivated him to do it, but he touched the screen.  
His jaw dropped.  
One screen was a porn site. A real, honest-to-god porn site, on a Jedi's terminal.  
And on the screen was the end of a video. On impulse, Rex clicked the replay button. And swore quietly.  
The video was a low resolution video of a bar, with a female voice talking into it.  
"Okay guys, I'm going to get in as close as I can. I can't be sure, but I think this is real. From what I can see, the infamous bounty hunter Cad Bane is getting his dick sucked by a Republic Clone trooper."  
And there, on screen, was Rex sucking Bane's dick. Rex looked up at the top corner of the screen and almost cried. There was a username box, and the name in it clearly said: ATano675.  
Ahsoka was watching him and Bane.  
His life was officially over. He'd be the laughing stock of the whole regiment, and probably be discharged. And then, to top things off, the door to the en suite bathroom opened and Ahsoka walked out, wrapped in a towel.  
She stared at Rex, and slowly shut the door.  
"So, Captain, what are you doing sucking Cad Bane's dick on your night off?(2)"  
"Saving my life", he muttered, and Ahsoka raised an eyebrow.  
"What?"  
Rex sighed. "I was drunk, and I saw Bane in this bar. I tried to arrest him, but he outsmarted me. I asked him to spare me, and he told me that if I sucked his dick, he'd let me live."  
Ahsoka laughed. "And aren't Clones supposed to spit in the face of danger. Or was it swallow?"  
Rex decided to take a chance, and looked the Jedi straight in the eye.  
"Not if they have something to live for."  
Ahsoka looked into his eyes for a moment, as if searching for something, and then shrugged.  
"Yeah, I agree. But I'd say our top priority is to get whoever uploaded that video to take it down."  
Rex rolled his eyes. "But how are we going to do that?"  
Ahsoka winked at him, and unwrapped the towel, letting it fall to the floor.  
"You'll just have to persuade me to do it."  
Rex swore as the penny dropped.  
"You… You little…"  
Ahsoka laughed. "Yes, Captain?"  
Rex sighed, and pulled off his shirt, trying hard to hide the fact that his heart was doing a drumroll in his chest and his boner was trying to escape.  
"Rex", Ahsoka sighed, as she cupped his chiselled face in her hands.  
"Ahsoka", Rex breathed, as he finally kissed her.  
All he could think of was, Does her mouth taste of strawberries?  
All she could think of was, God, I hope he's brushed his teeth.

(1) The usual symptoms of being exploited by Cad Bane.  
(2) The one question nobody wants to be asked (2a)  
(2a) The next inevitable question being "how did you pay for it?)


	3. Age Before Beauty

Summary: Quinlan Vos learns an important lesson  
Pairings: Yoda/Several Hot Zeltron Hookers  
Themes: Mild Sexual Themes  
Rating: Hardly worth putting up a warning for  
Inspiration: The comment from Dreya about Yoda getting his kicks

Quinlan Vos was severely pissed off. He'd been at the nightclub for hours, on an 'undercover mission' with Jedi Master Yoda and Captain Rex, and he still hadn't picked up any girls. There was one steaming hot Zeltron beauty that kept laughing at him, and flatly rejecting his advances.  
He sat down at a table, nursing a drink, and Yoda came over, hauling himself onto a chair.  
"Run out, your luck has, Vos?"  
Quinlan rolled his eyes. "You could say that Master. I can't find our target anywhere."  
Yoda smiled knowingly.  
"Our target, and your target, not the same, they are. But, allow the force to guide you, and your target, you will find. Show you, I will, how a Jedi searches for targets."

And Yoda walked to the front of the room, climbing onto the DJ's turntables, and made a hand gesture with the force.  
Suddenly, Vos was hit with the strongest pheromones he'd ever felt, and instantly every eye in the room turned to Yoda. And then five stunningly beautiful Zeltrons, including the one he'd been tailing, walked up to the front, practically drooling.  
Yoda smiled at Vos, and spread his arms.  
"Ladies, all night, I have. A good time, I will give you."  
As Vos' jaw dropped, Yoda winked and delivered the killing blow.  
"And find, you will, that experience is always more useful than initial appearance."  
Vos glared as one of the Zeltrons wrapped her arms around the diminutive Jedi Master, and undid his robe. Another put her tongue in his mouth.  
"See you later, I will, Master Vos. For now, some important business, I must attend to."

Rex appeared behind Vos.  
Vos turned around, and sighed.  
"How does he do it?"  
Rex smiled knowingly.  
"He did the same on Corellia. Want to know what he told me?"  
"What?" Vos asked.  
Rex chuckled, before adopting his best Yoda voice.  
"When 800 years in celibacy have you lived, earned the right to your kicks, you have."  
Vos grinned. "The sly bastard", he laughed.  
Rex raised his glass.  
"To Master Yoda, Jedi Pimp!"  
Vos did the same. "Age before beauty!" he said, and they clinked glasses.


	4. A Celibate Order

Summary: We discover some rather unsavoury facts about the most restrained of orders.  
Pairings: Asajj Ventress & Nightsisters/Random Corellian Male, Kit Fisto/Ayala Secura/Weequay Whore, Anakin Skywalker/Padmé Amidala, Yoda/Too Many To Count  
Themes: Sex references. Lots and lots of Sex References.  
Rating: No idea; you decide  
Inspiration: One of Dreya's stories, where Barriss witnesses an Aurra Sing kink, and Luminara remarks "well, we are a celibate order"

Luminara Unduli knew that the galaxy wasn't an innocent place, and for a Jedi who had taken a vow of celibacy, she found it easier just to pretend it didn't exist. Sadly, however, that strategy hadn't worked for her Padawan, Barriss Offee. Despite Luminara's constant indoctrinating, Barriss had eventually discovered sex; while tracking Sith assassin Asajj Ventress, she and her Master had accidentally stumbled upon one of the Sith's famous 'parties'(1).  
Barriss was, as far as Master Luminara knew, still scarred. And so was Luminara, because she had to spend the whole starship-ride back explaining the 'birds and the bees' to her previously unenlightened Padawan.

However, if Master Luminara had bothered to investigate, she would have found that not all the Jedi took their vows of Celibacy as seriously as she did. It was almost common knowledge (thanks to a certain misunderstood Clone Captain and a well placed rumour from Cad Bane) that Kit Fisto and Ayala Secura frequently met to take their sexual frustration out on eachother (and, once, a Weequay prostitute). However, not common knowledge was that General Skywalker and his wife Padmé Amidala often engaged in seriously disturbing (and, in several cases, dangerous) endeavours whenever they had a free moment. And at an even higher level, she could have discovered that Jedi Master Yoda himself, after 800 years of NO SEXY TIME, was a frequent visitor to the Coruscant Fetish houses, even going so far as to have is own personal 'kink' (he found that penetrating Twi'lek vaginas with his ears gave him the most bizarre sensation).

But Luminara was one of the only Jedi to be completely against sex of any kind, so she didn't bother investigating her fellow Jedi's private lives. But if she had, she might have been better prepared for when she walked into her Padawan's bedroom several months later. But that's another story.

(1) This particular party had involved a muscled Corellian male tied between two poles, while Ventress and her friends, several tattooed females that Luminara identified as the Nightsisters of Dathomir, used sharp claws, teeth and knives to violently tear his clothes off and sexually abuse him in the way only a twisted egomaniacal woman (or, alternatively, twelve of them), could.


End file.
